I felt called, but not equipped. God showed a way

By Payton Stanley  

After my freshman year of college at Iowa State, I volunteered for Wildwood Hills Ranch, which works to break the cycle of poverty, abuse and neglect for children, and my eyes were opened. 

These kids had grown up in a really rough environment, and they weren’t treated very well. It was hard to see and acknowledge. 

I felt a calling to get out of my comfort zone to make a difference, but I sort of ran away. I felt unequipped. What could I offer? I’m a middle-class white woman.

I felt so undeserving. Why did I get to go home every night to a loving family? To a comfortable home?

That summer, I told a 12-year-old she was loved, she said I was the first person to say that to him. It just broke me. 

The family you're born into like determines so much, and I didn't know how to handle the pain or brokenness I saw very well. I felt a calling, but I went the other direction. 

I said “no” to God so many times. “No, no, no, no, no.” 

God’s yes, despite my no 

I’m now a junior studying elementary education at Iowa State, and I signed up for practicum, a four-week placement in a school to gain experience. You fill out a form and they gather information, and they match you to a school. 

Iowa State has a partnership with two inner-city schools in Des Moines that encourages students to go to college and offers incentives like tuition money. 

One of the options on the practicum form was to voluntarily serve at these schools. Even though I felt the nudge, I declined. I got scared. It was just like at Wildwood Hills Ranch. I thought, what could I offer these students?

It’s a very solid placement system, nothing really goes wrong with it, but then I find out my placement in a suburban school falls through. There’s only one placement left – at one of the two partnering schools that serves children who struggle with poverty.

During this time, I read a passage in Exodus of Moses being called to lead Israel out of Egypt. He makes every excuse possible and says no to God. 

Moses tells the Lord, he’s not an eloquent speaker, he can’t do this, why would you ask him? Ask someone else. 

And the Lord says to him: I’m calling you because I want you to go.

I really related to the passage. I felt so unequipped to serve these elementary students. I didn’t want to say anything wrong or do anything wrong. I want to make a difference, but I don’t know how.

I felt I had no other choice but to say yes to the placement, and that God would equip me to serve.

A mission: To love 

The night before I started practicum, my dad asked me if I was nervous that I’d be serving at the school for more than four weeks. 

Practicum is short, but the calling might be longer. 

On my first day I was so nervous – but I didn’t need to be. It was amazing. I am working with an amazing teacher who connects so well with the kids. And the students are great and so easy to love.

But there are still challenges. During recess, for example, one of the fifth grade girls was playing with a basketball, and this other group of girls came over, and the teacher told them to share the ball. 

But this group of girls took it and didn’t share, and this one student got really upset. 

The girl comes over to me and says, the teacher “obviously likes white people more than others.” This girl was black, and the group of girls had a white girl in it. The majority of the group was black, but there was a white girl, and that’s all this other girl could see.  

It just shows me, as a fifth grader, how much hurt she has been through. I don’t know her story yet, but to be 10 or 11 years old and be so aware of discrimination – and to automatically believe that’s what’s happening because of all the past hurt and pain of discrimination -- it’s heartbreaking.  

It’s not my job to enter the school thinking I’m saving anyone. This is so much bigger than me. 

But I do believe it’s my job to prove to my students they are lovable and they are loved. 

I’m not sure where I will teach after I graduate college. My generation is so scared of doing the wrong thing. There are so many big questions we wrestle with. What is my purpose? Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?

I am glad that God is bigger than I am, and he is going to take me where I need to go. It’s scary but also a relief. 

I don’t have to stress over where I am supposed to be because God will determine my path and equip me along the way.