Headaches and chronic pain lead me to God’s grace

By Samantha DeCosmo

When I was 15 years old, I began having headaches each day. My parents took me to doctor after doctor, but there were no answers. Just a fog of pain that became a constant companion. 

I would continue to have pain until after I turned 30. Each and every day I woke up with pain that would continue to follow me until my head hit the pillow at night. The headaches eventually became one constant stream of pain that made it difficult to do even the simplest tasks. 

I grew up in a suburb outside of Baltimore, Maryland. I was a happy and healthy kid until my headaches began. I took honors classes and played sports year-round; field hockey, basketball, and lacrosse. But when the headaches became constant, I had to stop playing the sports I loved. 

I could hardly make it through the school day. I had to come home every day and sleep because it was the only thing that would give me relief. My friends began to drift away.

My junior year of high school was incredibly difficult, as I learned how to navigate life in a constant fog of pain. But I trusted that God had a plan, a reason for my suffering. 

Though life with a constant headache was never easy, I somehow found a way to keep going, to keep searching for answers. I went to church weekly and knew God, but I had yet to experience His grace. I would question His goodness and the reason for my suffering.

But I knew there had to be a cause for my pain. I refused to give up. Over the years, I saw doctor after doctor, had test after test, treatment after treatment. But nothing worked. The headaches refused to go away. But I also refused to stop fighting. 

Until one July night, curled up in the fetal position in bed, with excruciating pain and no relief in sight, I almost did give up. 

My life felt like it was falling apart. I was 30 years old and the constant pain had become so bad that I couldn’t drive most days. I was forced to quit my job as a case manager for the Department of Aging and Disabilities. I was crushed.

MEETING GOD IN THE MESS

The days spent in bed crying out to God were becoming more frequent, and my resolve to keep fighting was wearing thin.

I became extremely depressed. One night in July, I was admitted to a psych ward of a hospital in a poor neighborhood in Baltimore, as the hospital closest to my home had no available beds. The hospital was dirty and the staff was anything but kind. 

In the stark little room, I let tears roll down my face and I asked God how I ended up here. 

I had lost the will to fight, lost the will to live. The constant physical and emotional pain was too much for me to handle. I was suicidal.  

But that night, as I lay scared and alone in that dark little room in the hospital, I encountered God in a way that I never had before. 

I believe God spoke to me that night and somehow gave me the strength to keep fighting. 

He gave me a feeling of peace. For the first time, I began to believe that everything would somehow be okay. 

I felt a calmness come over me, and a renewed hope was planted in my heart. From somewhere deep within, I was given the strength to keep fighting.

I decided to trust in God’s peace and in Him. I decided that my life was worth living, that there was a larger purpose for me and my pain. 

Two days later I was discharged with medication, a prescription to see a therapist and a faith like I’d never known before. 

FINDING ANSWERS FOR MY SUFFERING

A few months later, one of my doctors learned about a rare condition that matched my symptoms. My prayers were answered when I was finally diagnosed with the cause of my constant head pain — a cerebrospinal fluid leak.

Everything started to make sense. The head pain, the dizziness, even the cognitive and psychological issues I’d begun experiencing. Everything was caused by a small tear in the membrane surrounding my spinal cord, resulting in decreased fluid and pressure around my brain. 

I finally had answers. Soon after I was treated successfully by one of the top experts in the country for my condition. 

Once the spinal fluid leak was fixed, my severe head pain started to subside and I began on the road to healing — of my body, mind, and soul. 

My mind often wanders back to that time in the psych ward, and I sometimes cry tears of gratitude that God saved me that night. 

God refused to let me give up. He knew that I had so much good work left to do in my life. 

My severe headaches have been gone for over a year now. Soon after my treatment, I felt called to start sharing my story. I wanted to encourage others to hold onto hope in difficult times and to believe God’s plan is always greater than ours. 

I would never wish my suffering on anyone. Yet, for me, it led to a beautiful outcome. Those years stretched and grew me as a person; they gave me wisdom and perspective I would not have without my trials. 

I now know the pain I experienced served a purpose. Although I did not always understand it, God had a greater plan for me. 

It was through my pain that I came to know His goodness and love. And today, I thank Him for my story -- because without it, I would never have learned about God’s grace.

Samantha DeCosmo is a wife, rescue dog mom, and writer living in Maryland, who believes that sharing our stories can help others to feel less alone in theirs. In her free time she enjoys reading, yoga, and spending time in nature. She writes about living your best life in the midst of challenges at www.apurposeinpain.com. You can follow her on Instagram and  Facebook.