Trusting God’s plan with my son

By Amy Eilers  

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to be a mom. I remember in kindergarten I would come home from school and would spend hours in our backyard taking care of my dolls and making mud pies in my kitchen made of bricks on our cement patio. 

I would dress up my cat Tippy in doll clothes and push him on the swings in our backyard. I would then take my dolls and Tippy for walks in a little stroller, and I would cuddle them and sing to them and take care of them. 

I am sure Tippy really loved that at the time … poor cat! 

I couldn’t wait to be a mom someday.

Five-year-old me also liked to be in control. I had my room organized and my clothes and my things just so, and I was frustrated with my sister, whose room I used to call “the pigpen.”  

As I grew older, this need to be in control only got stronger. 

To this day, I have a favorite backpack for work. I love all of the pockets and zippered sections that allow me to organize my planner, pens, work items, keys, each in their own spots. 

It’s the little things that make us happy, right?

Starting a family 

So, I grew up, went to college, married a wonderful guy named Mike, and started my career. We traveled, enjoyed time with our family and friends, and finally decided it was time for a family. 

I was so excited to learn that I was pregnant, and we were blessed to have two beautiful boys within the next three years. And then the real fun began.

Mike began to travel more often for work, often being gone several days in a month. My career was also busy, and filled with travel, and we began to juggle raising our two boys. Fast forward a few years.  

Our sons were now teenagers, and we continued to balance raising the boys, pursuing our careers, and managing the busyness of life. And as our younger son reached 9th grade, we began to notice a shift in his moods and behavior.  

This creative, sweet, funny kid became increasingly sad, overwhelmed, and needy. 

He began to avoid activities he enjoyed, had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and began missing more and more school.  

And this is the point in my story where everything started to derail. 

Mental health challenges 

What happens when there is a disconnect between my vision of being a mom and the reality of a child who was struggling? 

What was I supported to do when my child couldn’t function in the way he has in the past? For a person who likes to be in control, it started to feel very scary.

After many months of struggle and confusion, our son was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I started a many-year journey into loss of control and darkness.

I rode the rollercoaster of mood swings with my son and began to realize how much my emotions were tied to his. In his darkest moments, I was in the pit of despair with him, and had a difficult time rebounding.

I couldn’t sleep, didn’t feel life eating, and was trying to maintain a façade that everything was OK.

At the same time, the side of me that likes control kicked into super high gear.

There were ups and downs, but no matter how much I worked, schemed, and struggled to fix everything and make it all better, I could not change the situation. 

It was a place of fear and frustration, and I felt completely out of control and helpless. During this time, I had support from wonderful friends and family, but I couldn’t get of out of this dark place alone.

I felt like I had a huge rock of worry and sadness sitting on my chest that I didn’t know how to dislodge.

A deeper prayer  

One of my biggest support systems then and now are my girlfriends at my Tuesday night Bible Study at Lutheran Church of Hope.

One night about two years ago, one of these women shared her story about attending a session of Hope’s Inner Healing Prayer. Her testimony was powerful.

I learned that Inner Healing Prayer is a guided conversation with God led by members of Hope’s prayer team that helps one receive healing from spiritual and emotions wounds.

I felt a very powerful sense of urgency that night that this was something I needed to do, and I signed up for a session.

The night of my first Inner Healing, I didn’t know what to expect. I went to Hope’s Waukee campus and was lead through the most loving experience of guided prayer with three members of the prayer team.

As we worked together, I realized that I was weeping, and I had a tremendous sense of release.

However, when I arrived home later that night and faced the same situation of darkness and chaos, I went right back to that place of helplessness and hopelessness. 

I didn’t think I could be healed until my son was healed, and I was losing myself along the way.

Surrendering

Several weeks went by, and I had an overwhelming urge to sign up for Inner Healing a second time. 

As we were going through the process of guiding prayer, I was in such a sad, hopeless place. 

Finally, one of the prayer team members suggested that I picture my son in my arms and see what God would reveal to me.

I pictured my 6-foot, 200 lb. child in my arms, his arms and legs dangled across my lap. I lifted my head and said to God, “I can’t do this anymore. I am not in control and I don’t know what else to do but to give him to you.”

The most amazing thing happened. I realized that I had done all I could do, and now It was time to cease striving and surrender to God. 

As I was holding my son in my arms, I saw God reached down and gently take him from me, and I experienced the most overwhelming sense of peace. 

I surrendered to God and let go, and let God have him. 

A sense of peace 

Once I gave up all my anxieties, fears, confusion, and hopelessness to God, I was in a place of absolute and utter peace.

I realized that the most loving thing I could do for my son and for me was to give him up to God and let his love heal us both.

In that moment, God became real for me. And we began a relationship of faith and trust that has changed how I look at the world, and more importantly, changed me.

 My son has been on a journey of his own and has come so far with his anxiety. 

He still struggles at times, but whenever I get down and scared, I know I can reach up and give him back to God, and He is always there to take him into His arms. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” 

My good news is that God offers us all that future and hope, if we are willing to surrender and trust in him. And that is a beautiful, hope filled, and joyous place to be!