How God forgave my anger and saved my marriage

By Jodie Cooper 

“Pray and fast.” 

I hope you never get to the point in your marriage where this is your last, desperate hope, feeling like you have tried everything else. For me, it was a long journey before I received this now treasured advice. 

I had been in an abusive marriage for years. Never did I imagine that I would find myself in that place. Never did I imagine that I would be the abuser. 

I grew up in Mt. Barker, Western Australia, surrounded by trees and mountains. In my youth, when I saw spouses treating each other badly, I knew in my heart it was wrong and I told myself my marriage would be different. But I found myself years later down the same track — treating my husband in ways I’d sworn I never would.

I got married in the summer of 2014, and after the bliss of the honeymoon period, we quickly found a groove that I felt worked for us. I was the boss, and my loving, gentle husband was there to fulfil all the desires of my heart. I would use my mood, words and tone like carefully sharpened weapons to get what I wanted. 

This worked for years. It took a blunt conversation with my sister for me to finally realize that my husband’s cries for help were legitimate because, on my end, there wasn’t a problem. Why would there be a problem? I was getting everything I wanted. 

But the reality was, my anger was killing my relationship with the man I had vowed to love until death. Realizing the depth of the mess we were in, face to face with my emotionally abusive behaviours, we sought counselling. 

Asking God for help 

We also asked for prayer from trusted friends and prayer ministry teams -- and things started to change. I joyfully reported that it now took me less than a week to admit I’d treated my husband badly and apologise. This was certainly progress. But at times I still experienced deep, passionate rage that seemed to consume me. 

My anger felt like a lion, crouching in the long grass, ready to pounce at any moment. Even though I had made progress, I despaired that I would never change, that God was not strong enough to help me. I was desperately looking for a silver bullet, a quick fix for this painful problem. 

We attended a marriage workshop in 2019, run by our wonderful friend Eric, who was from out of town. As we caught up the next morning over a delicious breakfast of sausages, hashbrowns and mushrooms, Eric began to share the struggles he’d had with anger early in his marriage. I worked up the courage to ask one more time: Can God really help me? 

He listened patiently to my confession, then simply said: “You need to pray and fast.” Not the quick fix I wanted! I hated fasting (it made me hangry), couldn’t Eric just lay his hands on me and fix me? But in desperation, I gave it a go. 

Praying and fasting 

With a young baby and a 2-year-old, a full fast wasn’t practical, so I fasted in a way I could sustain.

I spent a week bathing myself in the truth God showed me about anger in His Word. 

During that week, my hunger for food turned into a desperate hunger for God to come and change me. And I finally saw that I had been grieving over my anger for the effect it was having on me, not because it was a wicked act, ultimately committed against a holy God. 

Since that week, it’s been a long journey of learning to see my sin as utterly sinful, unprofitable and destructive. I used to love my anger because it helped get my way and gave me power. But now when I zoom out of my self-focused perspective, I see that it is an offense against God and there is no good to be found in it.

Do I still get angry? My husband will tell you, yes. 

But my heart is much quicker to repent and run into the gracious arms of my Heavenly Father. 

Why? I used to think God couldn’t help me with my anger so I couldn’t even face it. 

I now know the truth - God wasn’t the one with the problem, I was. And whenever I come to remember that hurting others in anger is something he hates, something his precious Son had to die for, it helps me stop loving it too.

As my attitudes toward God and sin have changed, our marriage has too. It has taken much patience and grace, from both of us, as we have sought to rebuild our marriage. Trust takes time to regain, habits can require much forgiveness to be reformed, but God in his mercy is blessing our marriage with love and joy.

For years, I thought it was not possible for me to have a good, loving marriage.

But, by the grace of God, I can.

Jodie Cooper is a wife, and mother of two who lives in the small Wheatbelt town of Moora, Washington. She loves spending time with her family, playing the guitar and is passionate about discovering God’s good news for everyday life. She has written a series of Christian children’s books called “Good News in the Gum Trees,” with interactive resources intended to help families discipline their kids at home. You can find her on Facebook or Instagram or visit her website, Good News in the Gum Trees.