You are my beloved

By Diane Haskins

My story begins once upon a time, but not so very long ago. 

I remember being at a very low point in my life – I was struggling with deep sadness and despair. My heart was wounded from years of trying to measure up to who I thought I was supposed to be as a wife and a mother.

I questioned my self-worth and wondered how God could love someone like me. 

Looking back, I felt like a mess – inside and out. I won’t forget the night that it all caught up with me. 

I remember going to bed, in tears – my identity, worth and value in question – and begging God for an answer to my deepest question, “What do you really think of me?” 

The answer that He returned to my soul was clear and unmistakable. It was the beginning of a beautiful rescue and my journey of discovering my “inner beauty”, my true self in Christ. 

He said to me, “You are my beloved.” 

The truth of this settled in quickly and I fell asleep with a peace I hadn’t experienced for a long time. 

God’s rescue plan 

What happened over the next several years was the beginning of God’s rescue plan and He started with transforming my thinking. He was renewing my mind and changing my narratives to begin to see Him, myself, and others through His eyes. 

He used a lot of different things – time in his word, some amazing Christian authors and speakers, and something called the Apprentice Series at Lutheran Church of Hope in West Des Moines, Iowa. 

It was through that study that I discovered that I could trust in a good and beautiful God who saw the real me and loved me just the same. 

My false narrative of “you’ll never be enough” was replaced with the truth that “I am one in whom Christ dwells and delights and I live in the strong and unshakeable kingdom of God.” 

He was restoring my joy, giving me hope. There were moments (and still are) where I struggle with feelings of “not good enough”, but here’s where God’s rescue plan wasn’t and isn’t finished.

A dog named Bonnie

It was Father’s Day 2011 and my husband and I were hanging out, spending the day with our daughter at Jordan Creek. Our daughter had to work, so we said our goodbyes. I imagined we would just head home for the day, but God had other plans.

My husband suggested we go into Petco. When we walked in, we saw there was an adoption event going on. 

The first thing I noticed was that all the animals were in kennels, except for one little dog who was sitting on a blanket in the middle of the floor. She was wearing a bright, yellow vest with the words, “Little Miss Sunshine” in red letters on the back. 

I walked over and I could see that she was so nervous she was shaking. As I bent down to pet her, I realized that she was completely hairless! 

She looked up at me with her sad, big, brown eyes and I was completely in love! I found out her name was Bonnie and that she was a puppy mill rescue dog. Her foster mom gave me permission to take her picture and I didn’t hesitate! 

We walked out of the store but I couldn’t get her out of my mind. 

The following day, I printed off her picture and put it up at work where I looked at it multiple times a day. 

As you can imagine, it didn’t take long before I officially adopted Bonnie and brought her home … and that’s when our stories started to intertwine. 

A beautiful mess

You see, Bonnie is a mess – inside and out. Her ears are bent and wrinkled from frostbite and infection, she has issues with her skin and has lost all her teeth so her tongue hangs out of her mouth.

She suffers from anxiety as a result of her time in the puppy mill and spins around in little circles that I imagine are about the size of the cage she lived in. In many ways, we are alike and somedays I feel a lot like the way she looks! 

What I came to see in her “beautiful mess” has become a mirror for my own life. Just as she has had to learn to trust me, I’m learning to trust my heavenly father. In those times when the anxiety causes her to spin, my presence can calm her. 

So too, when I am filled with anxious thoughts and I question my worth and identity, I am learning to rest in God’s truth and His presence to quiet and calm my mind and my soul. 

I see more to Bonnie than what’s on the outside and my love for her is a reminder of how God sees me – inside and out – just as I am – and God loves me just the same! My identity in him is secure. I can live from that place, as his beloved, trusting in his good and beautiful rescue plan for my life. 

 “You, beloved, are worth so much more...God knows everything about you, even the number of hairs on your head. So do not fear.” Matthew 10:30-31