Finding peace on the journey to discovering my authentic self

By Kristen Hall

I was so busy trying to take care of my friends and family after I gave birth to my stillborn son that I couldn't grieve.

The year before my son was born, my mom died suddenly from an aneurysm. The idea of a new baby had initially brought a ray of light to our family. When my son died,

I put everyone else's grief ahead of mine as I tried to maintain the people-pleasing facade I had spent my life building. My grandmother died the year after my son, but my family was finally able to celebrate when my first daughter was born -- one day after the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks.

It was a heartbreaking year.

In order to deal with the death and uncertainty hanging in the air, I watched my husband turn to alcohol. The people-pleasing ways I learned in my youth turned me into an enabler.

I thought if I focused all of my attention to him, then he'd stop drinking. That didn't work and soon he was headed toward rock bottom and he was dragging me and our two daughters with him.

His drinking peaked a few years ago and he ultimately chose to remove himself from our family. It was so painful.

Years of stress and grief took a toll on me physically. I found myself visiting an acupuncturist in an attempt to relieve physical pain because my body had been stuck in crisis mode for so many years. 

I needed time to grieve.

Letting go and knowing God is for me 

I tried to hold onto a last bit of normalcy by going to my regular church choir practice. I’ve been involved in church choirs since I was 12.

I’ve always felt a connection with music because music lets me put into words things that I find hard to say.

After one practice, I remember going to the chapel and being on my knees and asking God for help and forgiveness. As my husband’s enabler, I still blamed myself.

That realization was like a punch in the gut.

I knew in order to move forward I needed to do something I hadn't done before. I needed to focus on myself. I had to figure out who I am, not who others wanted me to be.

I began trying to find my authentic self, the person God made me to be.

At one point, I read a book called "Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr. He talks about how there's a "ureka" point in life where you shed your full self so you can connect with God. It ultimately helps you find your true self, or your "divine DNA." 

I realized I had to go through loss to get there. I had to go down in order to come up.

I began making room for growth. I tried embracing the icky place I was currently in, between my old life and my new life. 

I didn’t have answers. I didn’t have control. I let the unnecessary fall away and created space for growth.

A mentor also referred me to Alicia Economos’s whole-hearted living class. Her classes taught me more about emotional decluttering and something called "aha moments." Moments in life that help you realize how you ended up on the path you're on.

I started to let God take control more often. 

This journey doesn't end

As a divorce attorney, I used to think I had to be confrontational. But when I allowed myself to be who God created me to be, I realized I didn’t want to fight for a living. 

I didn’t want to work in that sort of negative and destructive energy.  

I wanted to help people. It took a while, but now I realize, my peace-making is what sets me apart. 

I started Hall Mediation and Law to meet people where they are. I practice law the way I believe it should be practiced, focusing on helping people find a way forward.

I’m able to turn a space that’s usually full of disruption, hurt and pain for my clients into a place that helps them find a new normal.

I'm happy now. But finding my authentic self, the person I was created to become, is something I'll always be working on.

There's not always one resolution. There's growth. That's the joy of it. That's the energizing and exciting part of it.  I just get to keep growing.

At one point, I read a quote that simply said: “Be still and know that I am God.” 

In hindsight I can see how utterly exhausting it was. 

Through the pain of losing my son, of having to learn how to keep moving forward, God taught me to be still and to trust him. 

Finally, I was able to let go.

Kristen Hall is an integrative attorney and mediator in Des Moines, Iowa. She received her JD from Drake University. Kristen takes a servant leadership approach to the law and is a fixer rather than a fighter. She founded and practices at Hall Mediation & Law in Des Moines.