My boyfriends death rocked my faith to the core

By Renee Batts

My marriage ended in divorce just three months into my daughter’s life. I thought it was the most devastating experience I would live through in my lifetime.

I turned to God as I worked my way through long days and short nights alone, working full-time and learning to be a first-time mother on my own. I started a class called Divorce Care and was devastated on night one as we watched the video teaching and the pastors shared the concept that it takes five years to heal from a broken marriage. Five long years.

I begged God for a fast track to healing, I prayed for a new relationship – a man who would walk through life with my daughter and I. My patience didn’t hold and I started dating three years after divorce. Nothing stuck.

It wasn’t until -- exactly five years after the divorce -- that I went on a date with Nick. He seemed to check all the boxes and then some. He had a beautiful smile with dimples, he was tall and broad shouldered and I loved his bright blue eyes. He was into Tae Kwondo and riding his Harley. 

And yoga, I can’t leave that out, he rode around on a Harley with a yoga mat strapped to the back. He was flummoxed by the reactions that drew from fellow riders – which made me love it more.

I was convinced he was the answer to my prayers. We met in early spring and by mid-summer I was in deep. Each text, phone call and date was pure joy. 

A special, devastating trip 

By August Nick had met my mother and I attended his family reunion. It was nerve wracking, but our relationship was progressing, and it was time.   

A week after his family reunion, we traveled to Kansas City with my daughter for Labor Day weekend. We stayed with my childhood friend, her husband and kids. 

Nick had hurt himself in the gym a couple days before we left town, so he was moving slow, but his spirits were high and he seemed happy to have joined us on the trip.

As we talked and laughed alone our final morning in KC, his body seized up and in just seconds, he died. 

Suddenly, Nick was gone.

I was full of anxiety the first two days. I was positive I had missed something – I blamed myself, that it was my fault that I hadn’t pushed him to return to the doctor. 

An autopsy later revealed he had a dissected aorta, which began in the gym four days prior. He had been living those few short days on borrowed time. A formal diagnosis would have been incredibly difficult for anyone other than a specialist.

Slowly, the guilt subsided -- and the flood gates opened.

For three solid weeks I could not be still. I was angry. I was devastated. My hopes and dreams were dashed and the God I believed brought this man into my life was silent. 

I cried out over and over asking why – why bring him into my life only to take him in such a short time? Why answer a desperate prayer coming from deep in my soul only to crush me by taking it away?

Wrestling with doubt: Is God real?

Without hearing answers during my prayers,  I started to search for them on my own. I picked up “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. The book is a journal of the author’s own experience with grief and loss. 

As I read I fully understood and could empathize with Lewis – I was shocked to find this man whom I revere as a theologian had the same core feelings and questions. He wrestled with God the way I did.

Then Lewis asked a question that made me put the book away. He asked: if there really was a God at all? Did he exist or was all of this human contrived?

Suddenly, I was facing my own fears and doubts about my faith. I wanted to believe, but with those questions I realized I may have been wrong about God.

Grief became a much darker and heavier presence. Every morning as I woke I had a few seconds of peace before the cloak of depression settled on my shoulders. I added hope to the loss in my life.

Wrestling with God 

Three weeks after Nick’s  death, I followed the recommendation of a friend and found myself on a massage table. I was alone in the room, waiting for the massage to begin, when for the first time in weeks my mind was still. 

The question that still haunted me popped into the silence: 

“Where is he? If God was not real – what happened to Nick’s soul?”

My own internal dialogue was quiet, no raging emotion and no tears. 

That’s when I heard a voice, which whispered softly and pressed deep inside me. I heard a voice I knew to be God’s:

“Today you will be with me in paradise.”

The verse Jesus said in Luke 23:43, just before He died on the cross, reassuring a man next to Jesus that he would go to heaven. 

I sobbed for a long time. My massage therapist worked as I cried.

With confirmation God was indeed real, and He cared enough about me to speak into my deepest pain, my faith was restored. 

I picked up C.S. Lewis’ book again and began where I left off. Just a few paragraphs from where I put the book down, Lewis explained God never leaves us in our grief. He is a gentleman and will not force His way in. Until the raging, kicking and internal screaming quiets in our hearts and minds, we can’t hear His loving voice.

This Labor Day marks eight years since God revealed himself to me in grief. I would like to tell you my faith is rock solid, and I never doubt Him – but I do. The difference today is the gift God gave me during that season of dark and colorless time.

I’m never alone. I’m never without his guidance or love. Just like it says in Deuteronomy 31:8: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  

I am tethered to God through the Holy Spirit and when my heart is ready to hear his words – they are gently placed on my heart and accepted without question.

God is with me. He never left.

Renee Batts is the mother to a gregarious and dramatic 13-year-old daughter who loves all things art, drama and music. Batts is a reformed journalist who now uses a combination of creativity and storytelling as a business strategist involved in innovation at Principal in Des Moines. When she’s not working or self-distancing, you can find her at Christian concerts that come within three hours of Des Moines; vacationing (or planning vacations) with family friends; and spending time with family.